boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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