Acid is not a monday night drug
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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