The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
