I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
