I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
