My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
