this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
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