I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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