Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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