my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
