Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
