Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
