I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
