why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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