I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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