my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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