i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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