Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
