She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
