I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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