i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
