I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
