hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
