I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
