I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
