3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
