final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
a search helicopter?!
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize