Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
