Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i wish my penis had a tongue
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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