So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
