you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
