So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize