it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I did not marry a roomba.
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