Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
