no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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