Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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