I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
