woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
