tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
