you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
