so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
