we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
