i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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