I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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