The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
