i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
