So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
