I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
