Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
