Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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