Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Randomize
