Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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