im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
