my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
