I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
