I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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