no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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