Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
