u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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