My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
