y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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