We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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