I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
