this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Randomize
