I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
