Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
