my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
