Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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