she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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