someone threw a dead crab at me
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
