You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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