I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
